Dealing with Disappointment

Disappointment. I babysat Amelia today, and the look on her face when she realized I was no longer playing hide and seek was the perfect example of it. Whether we are 18 months old or 27 years old, it happens. Whether it's disappointment in yourself, disappointment in your loved ones, or disappointment in your students-it always comes around. So why am I so surprised when the feeling sets in for the hundred thousandth time? And, my biggest question, WHY DO I ALWAYS CARE?

I wish so badly that I could really truly have a "so what?" mentality. I can be a crappy teacher sometimes, so what? I sounded really stupid in my Procert class tonight, who cares? I have a to-do list that never gets completely finished, big deal?



And then, yesterday, one of my favorite teachers at school (who is an elderly woman with the body of an 18 year old-yowzas) told me that on her way to school yesterday morning, her vision instantly went black and she had a small heart attack. Then she teared up a little bit and said, "I'm okay, though. I just get to be alive some more---which is such a good thing!"



After talking with her, it really hit me that I have a lot of things that I get to care about, and a whole lot of things I need to let go of. Screw dissappointment. The source of my disappointment is my pride and my selfishness. What a waste of time.

Life is good, and, like my sweet friend told me, I get to be alive some more :) Even though it's not picture perfect, who cares?

Purple pumpkin or Defeat

Today I was totally reminded that my job can be so TOUGH. There are problems everyday, just like any other classrooms. And some days I can figure out what the kids need, and give it to them, so that everyone's needs are met and we can all laugh and get along.

Other days, like today, leave me feeling completely incompetent. It all started with the simplest "direction-following" activity that involved students coloring a pumpkin purple instead of orange. For most kids, this would seem strange, but totally do-able.

But, I don't have "most kids". I have the "least kids", actually.

For one particular student, this slight change in the traditional pumpkin color RUINED HIS WORLD. He instantly became so angry that he screamed at the top of his lungs "NOOOOOOOOOO!!" (The thought of his yell sends shivers down my spine). He threw his markers at me and yelled "stupid teacher!"

Now, you might think, "what's the big deal? Just let him color it whatever he wants". And, oh, how I wish I could. BUT, the reason he is in my class is because he must learn to follow directions, even when he doesn't want to. And if I let him choose the color of the pumpkin, I have officially proven that I am inconsistant with my rules and therefore, he can do whatever he pleases. I couldn't confuse him like that. It just wouldn't be fair to him or me.

So, this was a battle I had to choose. And so, it began with name calling, then ripping of the paper, then what I like to call, "tazmanian nightmare", where he runs around the room destroying every and everyone in range. The remainder of the class became extremely over stimulated and stressed out. Everyone was panicing while chased the kid around trying to end the insanity.

And so it ended with me carrying him barrel style like a wild animal-legs kicking and arms flailing, through all of the hallways, kicking and yelling. LOUD. We were passing classrooms of quiet kids and teachers who didn't have to carry their students to the office. My heart was pouding out of my chest and my lips were so tight that they were nonexistant. I was angry, so embarrassed, and wanted to quit.

He sat in the office while I gaurded the doors (he's a runner) until the bus came. He was throwing chairs, kicking everything, and glaring at me. It took everything I had not to glare right back, but instead just turn my head and ignored him. Rough day.

The first thing that I did when I came home was blow up at Andy for the DUMBEST thing. He could tell I was losing it and did the total right thing: left me alone. So, now that I'm alone, I'm writing things out and it seems to be helping.

I can't stop thinking, "should I have let him just color the pumpkin orange?" Was all of this really worth it? The answer is: I have no clue. But I will go to work tomorrow and figure it out.

How much is too much?

So, like most blogs have stated: Fall is here. And, like most people, I am reminded that this is truly one of the best seasons. Now, let me cut to the chase: decorations.

So, one thing I looked forward to growing up, was coming home from school/church/playing and find that my mom put cute little fallish decorations around the house. Pumpkin candy dishes, plastic scarecrows, fake leaves, spicey candles, and whatever else was 50% off at Joanne's. I LOVED it. I looked forward to it every year.

My next point: Andy is a number one guy because he likes a tidy house-which he is super involved in implementing. Yes, Andy loves a nice, bare, sterile house. I am thankful for that...most of the time. He also kind of winces when I bring home a fake pumpkin to light up a corner of the kitchen. I see it as a cute little addition to brighten up our home and add some fall flare. He sees it as another item that might clutter our house, and, get ready for the worst part, need to be stored in a box for 9 months out of the year. Accumulation is his worst nightmare.

So, I guess what I am wondering is how much is too much? From couples old and young, I would love to know, is it worth the 3 months of fall flare to have to store it in a box and accumulate in your house? Will I come to a point that I hate all of the fall crap because I resent having to pack it around all of my life?

Yes, there are much bigger problems in the world than what to do with my "trick or treat" sign. Just wondered what people's thoughts are on 'accumulation'.

179 more? Yes, please.

Last year, on the first day of school, I didn't get home from work until 5:00.

Not because I was working on my spelling packets.

Not because I needed to plan for the next day.

But because I had my head in my hands and was bawling my eyes out. The kids seemed, to me, impossible. Too many needs in one room-physically, socially, and of course, academically. Not to mention, a few of them actually scared me quite a bit. Like, "When he gets hungry, I hope he doesn't beat me up" kind of scared. The job seemed too big for my little hands.

Somehow, I learned a little bit, then I learned a little bit more. And, by the end of the year, I knew who needed to learn how to "make friends" by not "pinching and biting", who needed to have some "red truck" time (literally, he got to hold a red truck for 10 minutes), and who needed to run 10 laps outside before every math lesson. And yes, I joined him on several occasions. (Don't worry, I beat him every time).

This year, I was expecting the same tramatic beginning. I came to school equipped with waterproof mascara and ibuprofine.

When I got the students off of the bus, the got their breakfast, and began the morning routine. Without me telling them.

When I began to teach the rules, two of the students were mouthing my words while I said them. (....maybe I went a little overboard on those last year:)

When it was time to do "end of the day jobs" and pack up for the bus, they put their chairs on tehir desks and mosied to the coathanger. Without my help.

The two kids that scared me last year because of their nonstop flailing arms and screaming noises sat quietly while I read "Froggy Goes To School" to them for 20 minutes. Then grunted/pointed for me to read it again.

I won't get my hopes up, here. Tomorrow will be full of suprises. But, today was a great first day of school.

California Dreamin

Andy and I spent 9 sunny days in beautiful California! The days were hot and fun and included many of my most favorite things.


Our camp was hosted by two great campers:













Rock Sculpture/Kayak King Dean and Chef /Extreme Cliff Jumper Bonnie

Camping with them consists of a strenuous routine of

• kayaking
  
  
  
• sleeping (I did a lot of this, as you can tell)
  
  
  
• chillaxin

• rock sculpture building (surprisingly entertaining) with the Smith clan
  



• and getting to spend good quality time with this handsome devil

Oh, and Cliff JUMPING!!!! Easy for Andy, not so easy for me. I have a small fear of heights.

And, as every new skill takes a few steps, here is a session of my Loon Lake Cliff Jumping Trials.

Trial #1





Trail #2





Trial #3 It's really long, so only watch if you are super bored. (Skip to around 2:40-since that's how long it took me to get the guts to to something so extremely scary)

http://www.facebook.com/#!/video/video.php?v=437394538544&ref=mf



Oh, and of course, Andy found it not so difficult.






Easy peasy.

The trip was a blast. From a clam chowder bowl in San Francisco to an In and Out Burger in Placerville, I was filled with good times with my cool California family and sun tanned with that unbeatable California sun. Another great California vaca :)

10 things I love about teaching summer school

For the summer, I teach 3 and 4 year olds with severe disabilities during the month of July. This is a nice little change for me, as I teach special ed for 8,9,and 10 year olds during the year. This is my 3rd year teaching summer school, and there are a few perks to the gig that I really love. Here are 10 of them:

1. The mystery of the 10 very different, new little brains to try to figure out in 4 weeks.

2. The moment after the first week when I realize, "these kids are HILARIOUS".


3. Kids call me "Miss Megan" and not Mrs. Orr (for some reason, it makes me feel more fun).


4. I get to do fingerplays and sing really cheesy preschool songs (in which I usually make up half the words and my paras/assistants look at me like I'm nuts).


5. BUBBLES OUTSIDE. OH YA.


6. We have "outdoor recreation time and large gross motor time"- 2 separate times during the afternoon where I can work on my tan. Even some of my kids have a pretty good base tan, thanks to my precise outdoor time scheduling.


7. Free choice time when I play blocks, "cars", "zoo", or "house" on the floor with the kids and we crack each other up.


8. Putting kids on the bus at 1:00, home for my run by 1:20.

9. Listening to a kid throw a MONSTER tantrum on the floor for 25 minutes, spit on me, kick me, and knowing I never have to see him again in my life after these 4 weeks.

10. When that same kid asks if he can spend the night at my house because he doesn't want to go home. And I can happily say, "nope. But I will give you a ton of hugs and a big high five when I see you get off the bus tomorrow.". .....for four weeks, that is ;)

Back yard- Garate style

After a sad goodbye to a fun filled week with the Garates, we were left with one little reminder of them: OUR NEW AND IMPROVED BACK YARD!!

Within a matter of hours, Ben and Sara had completely renovated our back yard. With Ben's precise measurement and Sara's speedy little fingers, we had ourselves a sparkling new backyard hang out. What used to be a "nice place to sit sometimes when it's hot" is now our most favorite place to be any hour of the day.

From this:

TO THIS!!!!

THANK YOU BEN AND SARA! ....and Gwen, Kennedy, and Tito for keeping yourselves busy for 3 1/2 hours on a 10 x 10 square of concrete (and a box). It was really fun to work on this project with all of you. What's next, a third story? Love you guys :)