Today I was totally reminded that my job can be so TOUGH. There are problems everyday, just like any other classrooms. And some days I can figure out what the kids need, and give it to them, so that everyone's needs are met and we can all laugh and get along.
Other days, like today, leave me feeling completely incompetent. It all started with the simplest "direction-following" activity that involved students coloring a pumpkin purple instead of orange. For most kids, this would seem strange, but totally do-able.
But, I don't have "most kids". I have the "least kids", actually.
For one particular student, this slight change in the traditional pumpkin color RUINED HIS WORLD. He instantly became so angry that he screamed at the top of his lungs "NOOOOOOOOOO!!" (The thought of his yell sends shivers down my spine). He threw his markers at me and yelled "stupid teacher!"
Now, you might think, "what's the big deal? Just let him color it whatever he wants". And, oh, how I wish I could. BUT, the reason he is in my class is because he must learn to follow directions, even when he doesn't want to. And if I let him choose the color of the pumpkin, I have officially proven that I am inconsistant with my rules and therefore, he can do whatever he pleases. I couldn't confuse him like that. It just wouldn't be fair to him or me.
So, this was a battle I had to choose. And so, it began with name calling, then ripping of the paper, then what I like to call, "tazmanian nightmare", where he runs around the room destroying every and everyone in range. The remainder of the class became extremely over stimulated and stressed out. Everyone was panicing while chased the kid around trying to end the insanity.
And so it ended with me carrying him barrel style like a wild animal-legs kicking and arms flailing, through all of the hallways, kicking and yelling. LOUD. We were passing classrooms of quiet kids and teachers who didn't have to carry their students to the office. My heart was pouding out of my chest and my lips were so tight that they were nonexistant. I was angry, so embarrassed, and wanted to quit.
He sat in the office while I gaurded the doors (he's a runner) until the bus came. He was throwing chairs, kicking everything, and glaring at me. It took everything I had not to glare right back, but instead just turn my head and ignored him. Rough day.
The first thing that I did when I came home was blow up at Andy for the DUMBEST thing. He could tell I was losing it and did the total right thing: left me alone. So, now that I'm alone, I'm writing things out and it seems to be helping.
I can't stop thinking, "should I have let him just color the pumpkin orange?" Was all of this really worth it? The answer is: I have no clue. But I will go to work tomorrow and figure it out.
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8 comments:
Dude. That's rough. Makes my situation with a grieving baby seem like peanuts.
I think you did the right thing. You have super great instincts, so don't doubt yourself. I have every confidence that you made the right choice and handled the situation in the best way possible ;)
Meg - there's a reason that teachers in SDC classes burn out quick. That's an even better reason that you are doing this job. You're well equipped for it. You find joy in kids who others don't always find joy in.
But some days are ROUGH.
We'll pray for you. Remember, you have the grace to do the next thing, whatever the next thing is. Even if the next thing is to love and teach a kid who by all indications hates you. But he doesn't - and I know you already know that.
Thanks sisters. THat means a lot. I'm reading these before work, and you have both completely encouraged me. Thank you!
And Rachel-my day doesn't hold a candle to your flight experience. At least I had a full night's sleep the day before. I can't imagine how tired you must have been. But, thanks goodness, now your home to your sweet husband and your happy family of 4:)
Having had no previous experience in this kind of situation, all I can say is...keep doing what you're doing....know that we all keep you in our prayers because you ARE doing what most of us would have no clue as to how to begin. Remember, God never sends us anything that we can't handle, WITH HIS HELP. Your students are HIS children and He has sent them to you because you have a very special talent. You may not get to see the results of this effort, but no doubt somewhere along the way, someone else will benefit from what you are teaching these children. Keep strong.
Oh Megs, you are truly a superhero. I can't give you any more comfort than the girls have already given - you truly have been hand-picked to do this job - I know how much it takes for you to lose it (I don't think I've ever seen you angry!).
Know that I think about you often and when I'm frustrated with my students, I give myself a little "What would Megan do?" and it makes me handle myself with a dignity and calmness that I didn't know was in me.
Hang in there - a "this is why I teach" moment is just around the corner!
PS Can't wait to see you and Adonis in a few short weeks :).
Oh man, your story and these comments all made me want to cry. I know, I know, probably the "preg-mones" (hormones) but man, oh man, I'm with Little Lesiw. Your story makes dealing with an 18-month old tantrum no problem. Anyways, I say OF COURSE you did the right thing by not letting him win, even though you didn't see results today. I love you, Meg. You are incredible.
An idea (?) Perhaps when you put up Halloween decorations in your room maybe a one or two different colored ones might help gain acceptance of a change? And maybe add one or two of the different colored real pumpkins from the store? Or maybe just don't go there again... I don't know. Any way, I hoping these days since have been a little better for you. I'm still sending up prayers for you!
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